


I Wish

by theredhood



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Canon, M/M, Rated for swearing, angst man, as in no AU, i don't even know it's 1 am, kinda angsty?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-03-30
Updated: 2014-03-30
Packaged: 2018-01-17 13:12:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,112
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1388950
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/theredhood/pseuds/theredhood
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>That could mean a hundred things, yeah? Not when you think hard about what Dean had said beforehand. "I'm no good." No good? No good. Dean had said he was no good, and who the hell is he to say what is good for Castiel?</p>
            </blockquote>





	I Wish

**Author's Note:**

> this was an excuse for me not to go to bed early because I've been having nightmares.

His hands are in Deans jacket when he says it. It takes a lot to piss him off but Dean did it, and look where it got them. Castiel's got Dean shoved up against the wall, and is practically glaring holes into him. They're fighting over something stupid; Dean was trying to get him to stop worrying over him (much to Cas' annoyance). The whole fight wasn't even all that physical besides the throwing of one Dean Winchester into a bookcase and then the hard plaster next to it. The words Castiel says are what really cut deep. They weren't even yelled out or connected with any anger or intensity. All he said was "if only circumstances were different."

That could mean a hundred things, yeah? Not when you think hard about what Dean had said beforehand. "I'm no good." No good? No good. Dean had said he was no good, and who the hell is he to say what is good for Castiel? Surely not this self-hating Winchester. So when he responds half-heartedly with the words, "if only circumstances were different," his thoughts are flickering to what they could have been. What they still could be, but only if circumstances were different. 

With just these few words Castiel is trying to show how much he hates how things are. He wants Dean to open his fucking eyes and see they can't afford to wallow or fight over shit like this. With that vague sentence he's trying to say so many things. There are words hiding behind them that are too painful to say. 

I wish circumstances were different, I wish this wasn't us. I wish we could have been next door neighbors, me with my flower garden and wind chimes and you with your lawn mower and barbecue. I wish we could have fallen in love instead of falling into hopelessness. We could have met in a coffee shop or at a bar anything but me yanking you out of hell. I wish I didn't know so many of the things I do, I wish you didn't see all the things you have. That we could lay asleep in bed together without one us waking up screaming. I wish I could hold you and feel your heartbeat rather than to check it to see if you're alive. 

I wish I could love you like Sam loves salad or you love the Impala. Endlessly and hopelessly, because you know it won't hurt you and it will always be there. I don't have solidarity in my life, I've died more than I've lived and it pains me because I can't live out my days with you. We could spend the rest of your life together but you can't do the same for me. I want to tell you that I love you without worrying that it will be our last time. 

I wish we met long ago rather than when you were in hell for so long. We could have grown up and old. I don't want to be an angel if it means I can't be yours forever. I don't want to be Castiel, Angel of The Lord if it means I have to watch you die. I would rather not hear if it means I wouldn't have to hear your cries, wether they're from waking up in the night drenched in sweat or the cuts in your flesh from a fight. I wish I could kiss you without fear of being judged, I wish I could hold your hand as we walked through parks. 

I wish you would love me with your whole heart without fear of losing me as I have lost you so many times before. I wish we could have been more than this, so much more than what ever we have now. Our contact is restricted, all I can take for myself without fear is your attention and even that isn't entirely true. I catch your eye and hold it for so long in hopes of you seeing how much I hate us and what we are. I am an angel, I shouldn't feel as though we were born in the wrong place at the wrong time. This is who we are and I hate it. 

I wish are houses were separated by a line of fencing and we could see each other from our kitchen windows. I wish one us had a pool and we would skinny dip together. I wish I didn't have to remind you I am of no gender for you to love me. I wish we could live in this world I've made in my head. We would be the couple everyone is jealous of. The ones with the beautiful house and the lovely kids. That family you can't help but smile at. I wish we could be domestic without fear of demons and ghosts but we can't. 

I wish I could wake up to lazy mornings in bed with you. To sitting in our kitchen, hand in hand, not daring to disturb the early morning silence. I wish we could be married and invite all of the friends we never had. I wish we could settle down and kiss on our couch as we watch movies and eat popcorn. I wish we could have parties and cook for company. 

All I want is a life where I don't have to be me and you don't have to be you. I wish we didn't have to be each other but instead be us. I don't want people to look at me and not think of my better half, the green eyed man I love with more freckles than stars in the sky. I don't want to worry about you drinking too much or Sam not being healthy enough. I don't want to live without you for a second. 

I want you and Sam and the bunker, I want it all. I want all of this but none of this. I want to be who we are and I hate it. I don't want to be Castiel the Angel and Dean the Hunter. I want to be Castiel and Dean Winchester the perfect couple. 

I fucking hate our responsibilities, run away with me.

That's what I hate about you. That I wish I was yours forever and ever. The worst thing is that sometimes I'm reminded your brother comes first rather than me. 

The words that he speaks loudest are, "I love you more than I hate how you don't love me." Truth is he does, Castiel. Which hurts more than it shouldn't. Dean aches for this just as much as you do.


End file.
